Edition_01 Vulnerability

Welcome to the first edition of the Trembling Aspen Newsletter.

I'm Steve Frost, learning out loud about living my life like a work of art.

The first edition is about vulnerability. As in, I’m going to be vulnerable and talk about self-doubt. Not because I particularly want to, but because that’s what I have to work with at the moment. (So, really, this first edition is a two-fer, vulnerability and self-doubt! And at no extra cost! You really were intelligent and wise, signing up for this thing.)

This first edition has been a struggle. I let my internally imposed deadline lapse. A couple of the first subscribers checked in, “How’s it coming along?” they asked. “Still working on it.” I replied, “I don’t think it’s a problem, just giving it time to emerge at its own pace.” Weeks pass. It’s a problem. Now I’m really wrestling with this thing. I go for a walk. An outline falls into place. “Wonder!” That’s a good topic to start with. I like it.

I start writing about Wonder. But then I can’t find any of the original references I though I had. I look for other references. I feel like my wheels are spinning. “Hold it. I had the outline right there. It was simple. It was going to be easy.” “What is happening! Why is this such a struggle?!" “Can I do this? What am I doing!?” “Why did I tell anyone I was going to do this?! People are already subscribed!! Now I can’t take it back!!!” [hyper ventilating noises ] I exaggerate for effect, but only a little.

Throw in a few other things going on—life, reality, blah, blah, blah—and I’m full fledged stuck. Wrestling with self-doubt. Whelp, I guess this first one is about self-doubt.

I have, over the last few years, crossed significant thresholds in dealing with my own doggedly persistent self-doubt. It feels considerably more vulnerable to talk about it right now, because I've very recently crossed what felt like a deeply significant threshold. I felt as though I stepped into a New Me who left the mongrel of self-doubt behind. And yet, here we are again. Hello, familiar friend, there you are wagging your annoying little tail.  So, yes, self-doubt is all I have to work with right now.

Another reason I’m choosing to talk about self-doubt is because in all my teaching and coaching and art making, self-doubt seems nearly universal amongst the people I work with. Particularly creatives. It’s just part of the territory. (The above spiral into hyperventilation, I’ll wager, sounds pretty familiar to some of you). The slobbery mutt of self-doubt is particularly attracted to work that matters—thus artists are visited often.

One of the insidious things about self-doubt is thinking no one else experiences it. So, let’s talk about it right off the top. First Edition. Give the mutt a slobbery hug and see what he’s on about. Embrace it to learn about it.

Speaking of learning, that gets at another reason this first edition is about self-doubt. I’m exploring what it might mean to live one’s life like a work of art. In this venue I hope to learn out loud, while living my life like a work of art.

I like to learn out loud. And I don’t want to learn everything out loud. [Said in the voice of Kenneth from 30 Rock, which will be hilarious to those who get the reference] Starting with an edition about difficult learning, that’s also personal, will stretch my idea of what I’m willing to learn out loud. The difficult and universal stuff is what makes us human, so I think this, the very first edition, along with any future editions will be ever the more useful for me having stretched my notion of what I’m willing to learn, out loud.

How To Embrace The Slobbery Mutt of Self-Doubt and get to doing the Thing Worth Doing

Here are three things that happened and were like doggy treats for the Slobbery Mutt of Self-Doubt.

1. I was wrestling with the first edition, and I knew I was.
2. I sent an old blog post to a trusted friend. I was seeing if we could use it as a starting place to create something together. I liked the post I was sending because I felt there was important insight there, so I was invested in it. This friend and I have a healthy honesty in responding to each other’s work. He wrote back saying he got lost and couldn’t follow the piece at all. Cognitively, I knew, “This is valuable data. And the piece is fixable, it just needs to be cleaned up. Also, it helps us get started on creating something together because we now know this piece isn’t the starting place.” Subconsciously, this honest feedback and my wrestling, noted above, were starting to mash themselves together into a self-doubt doggy treat.
3. I saw an announcement for someone who’s work I respect, speaking at an event I’ve considered speaking at. Cognitively, I was happy for them and their success. When inevitable comparison arose I knew, “This announcement is like the Facebook effect on steroids, reality is not just this shiny picture of success. Also, I am working daily on my own journey. My journey isn’t his journey.” Subconsciously, regret, discouragement and frustration adhered themselves to the already forming self-doubt doggy treat. “He’s doing what you should be doing.” “He’s so much farther ahead.” “You’ll never have that.” “You can’t even write.” “If you need proof, you can’t write, you can’t even get the first edition of this newsletter done.” And so on…

Suddenly, I suck.

Suddenly, through some alchemical process, all of my writing to date, sucked. It felt like everything I had ever written completely sucked, every brave thing I had ever tried totally failed. Feeling that way mattered, because it was keeping me from finishing and sending this first edition. i.e. Doing work that matters, i.e. doing the Thing Worth Doing.

“We're not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world.” ~ Joseph Campbell

It wasn’t that everything actually suddenly sucked. It was that it felt like everything sucked. And it was really how I felt. I couldn’t just make myself feel differently, I knew that would be false cheerleading. At the moment it really really felt like everything I was currently working on sucked.

I needed to not deny, skip over or diminish that feeling. I needed to be with it.

Choosing to be with the feeling opened up space to trust the process, to remember, "This won’t last forever. I wouldn’t feel this way about it later." It created space to note the superlatives in the negative chatter “everything,” “completely,” “totally,” and realize, superlatives are a clue that the negative chatter isn’t necessarily reflective of reality. Being with the feelings allowed me to remind myself, “I am not these feelings. I am not my thinking about these feelings.”

I woke up the next morning unable to shake the sense that everything I’ve ever written sucks, and I’m not good enough. Oh dear.

One way to get from Everything Sucks, to doing the Thing Worth Doing.

I’m not saying this is the only way to get started on the Thing Worth Doing. It’s just what I experienced. This is me, learning out loud. Here’s what happened that next day, step by step.

I didn’t panic. I focused on, once again, being present to what I was experiencing. It’s right there on my iPhone’s lock screen. “Be Open Awareness.”

The small reminder on my phone opened up a choice for awareness and presence. I didn’t have to achieve my way to open awareness, right now, damn it! I just needed to gently turn toward it, start with the smallest tiniest step. If I couldn’t be open, I could be open to being open.

Turning toward open awareness created space for me to, once again, trust the process. I’ve been here before. I know this is part of the process. I haven’t walked this exact path before, but I’ve walked paths like it, and I know I can make it through.

A little bit of openness and little bit of trust in the process allowed me to find the witness, which I call True Self. Whatever you call it, the main idea is that I grounded myself, ever so slightly, ever so briefly in I am not my thinking about my feelings. I witnessed myself thinking and feeling.

In that little bit of grounded space I could look for the One Small Thing. The one small thing I knew I was capable of doing, in my current state. Not what I, at my best, am capable of doing. What I was sure I would be able to do, here and now, in the next moment. When I do something I know I can do, I know that that sense of success, however small, will help me move further into the generative grounded space of True Self.

In that space is hope. Hope is air.

To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get to what we desperately need… We need hope like we need air.” ~ Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart

Recap: From everything sucks to doing the Thing Worth Doing

A Possible Course of Action When the Slobbery Mutt of Self-Doubt is Suddenly Beside You On the Creative Journey, It’s Stupid Self-doubting Tail All Wagging and Whatnot

• Create small rituals and reminders of your previous experience regarding the rest of this list, which might lead to the rest of the list…
• Be open to being open; be present to your experience
• In the sliver of space thus created, trust the process
• In the sliver of space thus created, find the witness
• In that grounded space, look for One Small Thing
• Do One Small Thing
• Breathe in a little bit of the hope created by doing the One Small Thing
• With a little hope in your lungs, start working on The Thing Worth Doing

What might the One Small Thing be?

Sometimes I just “show up to the canvas,” which can literally be to stand in front of a canvas and start painting, or metaphorically mean sitting down at my desk and starting to write. In this instance, I knew I needed to breathe in a bit of hope before trying to write. I was looking for no surprises, I’ve done it before, I can do it again, no brainer. I have the physical / mental / emotional capacity to do it, as I am, right now.

On this particular occasion the One Small Thing was attending an online seminar on coaching:

• It was only half an hour long.
• It was a webinar, so no interaction, I don’t have to be on, or vulnerable, which I knew I wasn’t up to.
• It felt like a “useful” thing to do, not an escape into comfort.
• I like the presenter's stuff, I was fairly certain there would be something inspiring, uplifting, positive and/or useful in that half-hour.

Other One Small Things that work for me

• Yoga
• Workout
• Go for a walk
• Meditate
• Read something that feels useful
• Read something that feels anything but useful
• Talk to a friend about the Thing Worth Doing
• Talk to a friend about anything but The Thing Worth Doing

Creating the conditions for the One Small Thing

In this instance, I had created wallpaper for my phone that reminded me of something I wanted to be regularly reminded of. There it was, right when I needed it.

A few more examples

• Get a gym membership
• (cheaper option) Buy a yoga mat
• (even cheaper option) Know which furniture you have to move so you have a piece of floor on which to do yoga.
• Subscribe to a mail list that offers something inspiring, positive or uplifting. Even if you don’t read most of them, there it is.
• Have a go to walk. Know where it goes and how long it takes so there are no surprises and it’s really easy to commit to.
• Have a go to guided meditation. Know how long it takes so there are no surprises and it’s really easy to commit to.
• Have a go to [insert your activity here] that is grounding, reorienting, inspiring, up-lifting. Know what it is and how long it takes so it’s really easy to commit to.
• The point is, do a bit of pre-planning before you need the One Small Thing so it's really easy to find and do when you need to.

What’s on your list of One Small Things? How do you create the conditions for One Small Thing to be available when you need it?

Send your list to onesmallthing@stevefrost.ca I’d love to compile a real world list of One Small Things that actually work for people.

Whew, we did it. First edition done.

Thank you for your work in the world.
Thank you for your presence in the world.

Download high res versions of the images in this edition here.